I am new to the blogging so please bare with me and I will try not to ramble.
Brief background: I was married twice. I have one child to the 1st and 2 to the 2nd. I am now remarried and happy (Finally!!). My first husband choose to stay away for 13 years of his daughters life. Boom! now he is back. We had and still have some issues but he lives on the west coast and I live on the East so I don't have to be nice everyday. My second Husband is remarried. We had a horrible divorce but it panned out. We get along great (all of us) and the kids have benefited. But they are not the only ones. The relationship that compromise has help create is a functioning relationship and brings a whole new meaning to extended family.
However, since I remarried I became a Step Mom to a smart, beautiful and loving little 6 year old. The BM left my husband and her daughter on Christmas of 2004. She was under the impression that my husband would be so distraught that he would never date muchless get married ever again. I have tried on many occassions to communicate with her but she refuses to be atleast civil. I would just let it go except for the fact that she continuely says horriable things to the SD about me, my girls and her father. The poor girl is always put in a position to where she feels she needs to hide how she feels. I want to get the BM talking so I can figure out why she hates the fact that I am a SM now when she is the one that left and create the situation. Also by keeping the opposition close you know their next move. Does anyone have any thoughs?
Sincerely,
NT
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There's no magic for Step-Parenting
Bandit
There's no magic for Step-Parenting
About Me
- all4compromise
- I am a mother of 3 girls and step mother to 1 girl. We have 2 ferrets, 2 chinchillias, 4 cats, 2 snakes, 4 fish, rats (for snakes)and a dog. I don't have a lot of free time but will take what I can get.
4 comments:
Hi...nice to find your blog! Love to read new stepmom tales!
My suggestion is very hard to come to grips with...
Treat Stepdaughter with love, respect, understanding, and answer any questions she comes back home with regarding things her mother has said. Answer them honestly, respectfully, and don't dismiss her mother in the process.
Things like... "Well, honey, I don't think Daddy favors the other girls. Do you think so?" Let her explain and talk about it.
You can't change the biomom. You can't control what she says or how she says it. You CAN control what step daughter actually sees.
Don't make her have a dual life in your home. Let her talk honestly about her mother... if she wants to pipe off about how wonderful her mother is. Say things like, "Well, she does have an amazing little girl." and any other things that you need to say so that she can love her mother safely with you.
I promise you, it will take awhile to be able to do and it will take a few years before stepdaughter GETS what is happening... but it will make life easier for everyone!
And soon, stepdaughter will see that Mom is piping off a bunch of BS. It worked for my stepdaughter. But it was a long few years of me biting my tongue... a lot!
-d
Welcome to the blogosphere! I'm looking forward to reading more.
Thank you for your input. I don't think I should push for the BM to talk with me but I won't miss an opportunity when it presents itself. When my SD tells me that her mom is mean my reply is always something like "Did she get mad at you for something?"or"Maybe she is just having a bad day." She once told me that her mom has anger issues and is a drama queen. I was concern as to where a 6 year old heard this and when I asked her she said that a friend's Mom used to work with her and that is what she said. What do you say to that especially when it is true. Well, I dodged that with "Do you think your mom is angry" I wasn't prepared for the answer. She told me that her sister wouldn't eat so her mom pushed her back in the high chair, pulled her out by her arms and in my SD's words "put her on the floor and tripped her" I then had to ask her if her mom has ever gotten angry with her like that. She told me that she knew what her sister was going through because she never used to eat either "and I remember" she said. She once told me that I was a the better MOm (One of those times that I puffed up in side) but I reassured her that her Mom is a good Mom too and got her talking about some of the nice things her Mom does for her. Most of it was things she bought her and things that had to do with other family members but I think it helped her.
I have told BM many times even in court that my intention is not to take her child from her. I have three of my own and she would be an addition to the family who gets treated the same as everyone else. I get frustrated because I have done nothing wrong. I simply fell in love with the guy she left. Why is it that the BM can not just be happy that their child will be well taken care of. I mean if I were like her who refuses to let her boyfriend have his daughter to the house I could understand but... man it makes me mad.
I guess it is hard too because my ex and his wife, my husband and I get along fine. We all work together and the kids get the best of both worlds. Everything from Birthdays to taxes are handled fairly and maturely. "Compromise"
I will stay hopeful for the kids
NT
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